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How do we show up in Groups?



It’s easy to conflate the idea of ‘group awareness’ with group conformity, or 'going along' with what a group is doing or believing. While maintaining an awareness of the larger group is desirable, and it may seem like a good idea to just go along, when we give up our individuality or autonomy in order to belong to a group, we’ve sacrificed any opportunity to offer our unique contributions. And it is these very unique contributions that enhance any group. 

From my point of view, ‘group awareness’ does not mean 'group think' or 'herd mentality'. In fact, many awful things can happen when folks give up inner authority and thoughtlessly follow a herd mentality!

What we are looking for is a way to include others, without disregarding our own energy, feelings, and needs. 
I recently heard a delightful definition of 'harmony' or ‘harmonizing’. It was given in the context of musicality, but I think it beautifully describes how we can relate healthily with one another and in groups.  

What I heard, here slightly paraphrased: 

"Harmony requires you to establish your independence while you simultaneously relate with a group of other people."  So simply stated. Yet I feel like this definition articulates what seems like the central inquiry of my life, or at least the aspect of my life that is social and relational. It also speaks to what I hope is commonly meant by the term group awareness, including group participation and/or group engagement. Harmonizing with others means we bring our authentic self-expression to others in a listening and supportive way. We don't sacrifice our essential self-expression to the group mind, instead we contribute our unique energy in a collaborative, inclusive way.



Most of us carry plenty of social conditioning in the arena of interpersonal relating, and group interaction. My conditioning taught me to use the strategy of pleasing others and conforming to the dynamics of the group in order to get my social needs, my connection needs, met. I absorbed the belief that I am responsible for the emotions of others; in essence: that it's my responsibility to ensure that others are happy, or at minimum, that they are not disturbed. Now that more I’m more self-aware, I realize that that's a huge AND impossible demand and responsibility! Pleasing others (oh, and everyone wants something different,) requires WAY more power and control than I, or anyone could ever amass. 

These days I understand, (and keep reminding myself,)  that I'm only responsible for my emotional state of being. And that can be a difficult stand to take with others. Others who believe their happiness depends on me or other people catering to their wishes. And yet, sometimes it's desirable to agree to relate within specific social structures. I’ve discovered that some simple interactional structures, agreed upon by participants in advance, can illuminate new and rewarding social opportunities for those who engage this way. I've had very positive experiences exploring the terrain that NonViolent Communication offers. It teaches speaking from our aliveness, and listening to understand, rather than to evaluate.

It’s important to me to be making 
conscious choices about what I’m agreeing to before I engage with others. And it's so much easier to communicate satisfyingly when our guidelines are articulated and agreed upon in advance. 
So next I'll post some simple (but not so easy!) guidelines for engaging in satisfying speaking and listening with another, or in a group. 

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