REACH OUT, AND RECEIVE SIMULTANEOUSLY?

Reach in, Reach Out, Be Touched
What kind of healing, what kind of unguarded intimacy is available through attunement?

My partner dance with K at Ecstatic Dance December 22.

It's our third dance together. Our first dance focused on lifting, with me offering some teaching. The second dance was a combination of low to the ground dancing and a standing contact improv dance. As we concluded that second dance, K  said, "more". Which in this setting, meant, "let's dance together again, in future dances."

Our third dance occurred yesterday, Sunday.

We began dancing together toward the end of the Ecstatic Dance set. We 'randomly' found ourselves close to each other on the dance floor. It was about three fourths of the way into the dance event. Both of us were standing and we began with vertical dance partnering, in hand to hand contact. I became quite aware of the fact that K was moving in a way that kept missing the direct contact point, which consists of dance partners mutually leaning or pressing into each others 'center' through a shared point of touch. K, new-ish to Contact Dance, was not yet aware that he was repeatedly moving 'past' this mutual physical and energetic meeting point.

Observing more closely, I noticed that K's eyes would often look toward the direction that he was moving, or intending to move into next.  He was heading off in his own direction, while still in physical touch with me, but 'losing touch with', or not maintaining the energetic and physical signaling, the physical 'pressure', that would allow him to bring me with him.  That allow me to go with him. He was dropping, or breaking the felt sense of us mutually reaching into each other's center. The 'handshake' that guides Contact Improv Dance partnering.

It occurred to me to invite K to make and maintain eye contact with me, even as we also maintained a touch contact. By now, I was confident that K could sense the contact 'handshake', but that he seemed not to be aware of how absolutely central it is for maintaining the connection and the energetic bridge between two contact dancers.

What I felt was that he could sense and meet me in the 'handshake' and we could join our centers, but then he would sort of move off going his own way, unaware that his core was no longer reaching into mine. So the bridge between us would collapse, and his movement intention was no longer conveyed to me.

I signaled non verbally for him to make eye contact with me, and then coaxed him into maintaining it. This created a second bridge of connection. It slowed us down, and it focused his dance, and reduced his tendency to drift away. Maintaining eye contact, along with our touch contact, intensified our level of intimacy many fold.

Maintaining continual eye contact linked us together in a deeper, more consistent way. It gave us not just a unidirectional line of connection and communication but a loop. locked together in this way, both reaching with our hands, and receiving with our eyes, we created a strong continuous, circular circuit of attention.  K's eyes continued to occasionally wander from my gaze. I could sense him begin to turn toward another focus. I'd see him look at his own hand indicating that his was going to follow his hand, rather than follow our connection point.  This was an indication to me that he was beginning to energetically focus solely on his individual, or solo movement intention. When I felt this, I used our hand connection to bring his attention back to our connection, our joined experience.

With my hand, I could signal for him to sharpen his attention and connection to me. I did this by increasing the pressure I was exerting to reach into his hand until he reached back into my hand,  meeting and matching my pressure. Otherwise I pointed at my eyes, and then at his,  inviting his eyes to come back to meet mine.

At some point, we became physically still, and stood facing each other. We both reached and pressed into a single hand of the other's, simultaneously gazing into each others eyes. Each of us embodying and bringing both our 'masculine' forward reaching/pressing energy toward the other through our touch, while simultaneously conveying our 'feminine' yielding receptive energy to the other through our eyes.

The question I later realized I was exploring is, "Can we reach and receive at the same time?"  I've used the phrase 'reach out and be touched' as a way to name this state of shared, interactive flow. It is the energetic circuit of connection. A circuit we can physically create when we kiss, hug, or make love. Where each partner simultaneously embodies both their expressive and receptive self.

As the more experienced dancer, and perhaps the more aware partner, there was an intentional component on my part as well. I assumed the role of the unconditionally loving encourager and reassure-er ; inviting  K to feel into his capacity, to reach inside himself for permission to allow himself, and us, to share deeper and deeper intimacy. I continued to invite K to sustain and deepen the energetic state we were co creating in subtle nonverbal ways. My intention and heart centered energy was unwaveringly encouraging him, welcoming him, and embracing him. I communicated and strengthened this supportive energy through the physical reaching of my touch in combination with the continual receiving of my eyes.

I held the 'mother gaze', (an attachment theory term for an eye contact attunement); resonating, reflecting, and responding empathically and compassionately to his shifting energetic states. Tracking and receiving his emotional journey conveyed through the subtle micro changes in his eyes, facial muscles and expressions.  I could sense when he'd find an opening, a softening and feel safe enough to experience deep pleasure and joy, the joy of alive, unguarded, intimate co- connection.

I could also sense when he was pulling back and processing fear. I could see and attune with the incredible energetic intensity that arose within him. His face would break into a hint of a smile as he allowed a rush of joy, of pleasure, then shift back to the masking as he took distance and allowed processing, and integrating, and re-regulation of his nervous system. His face would soften as he again recognized that he was safe, seen and embraced with universal love.

What I saw, and imagined I read in K's eyes as we shared prolonged uninterrupted gaze, with active reaching touch, was a progression. Guardedness, then a freer breath,  then softening and a smile,  then a tiny bit of fear creeping in, then again contracting  into guarded or neutral eye contact, and a repeating of this cycle.  At one point his eyes were rapidly flicking back and forth between each of my eyes, and then they settled again. I'm so curious about the mental content of the emotional journey that he experienced.

We practiced this for 15 minutes or so with no interruption; deepening, pausing, allowing, deepening, pausing, allowing.  This was what I sensed from K.  I also rode this intensity and expansion, firmly anchored in my heart, my body, the present moment. Feeling and conveying to him,  "Yes, keep coming toward me. Keep meeting me with yourself. I welcome you. I receive you. I am here. I am staying."

The music ended. And K and I moved together down to the floor. We listened to the sound healing sitting back to back. Still no words.

Then afterward we had just a few short minutes to verbally check in. I mentioned that it is rare in our current culture to find spaces where we can safely experience unguarded intimacy. Not surprisingly, K revealed to me that he and his wife had had an interaction just before entering this Ecstatic Dance. They'd each been aware of, and shared their shame and confusion. Each expressed a desire to be able to be more open and allowing for deeper intimacy with other dance partners in addition to each other while at Ecstatic Dance. Yet they weren't sure how to allow this both personally, individually,  and as a couple.

K did call and leave me voice message about our encounter. He said, "yesterday was wonderful. I can share this: The environment we created together, and that you held, was really helpful and supportive... for a range of me that had been hiding or not present and disconnected... ever since some trauma that occurred in my relationship. Just driving up here a month or two ago.

So after dance, it [the experience he had with me] created the connection strategy for me. To integrate back into my relationship and be able to connect this part of myself. To express and be heard, and to speak powerfully and to integrate, and it was very supportive. So thank you. I love how that occurred.

I look forward to more dances and to a modality exchange. I'm so grateful for our dance partnership or playship or whatever.. the dances that happen.  sending love and gratitude."