I remember smoking some cannabis many years ago when I was visiting the island of Kauai. I wasn’t a frequent smoker. In fact I’d had a skeptical relationship with the plant. I was lying under a Plumeria tree and as soon as I felt ‘high’, I started feeling disoriented and panicked about the seemingly ongoing open-endedness of my own existence.
Simply experiencing the structureless and infinite possibilities of where to focus my awareness was terrifying. I remember the free-floating panic I was experiencing and I felt overwhelmed with the idea that I had no idea how to direct my focus or my Self, believing that I had no way of knowing how I was supposed to focus my attention, my energy, or myself. I imagined an endless existence with endless possibilities, and no structure to hold or guide me. This provoked such anxiety that I longed for the effect of the marijuana to swiftly wear off and bring me back to the state of mind I was accustomed to .
I thought I was doomed to, or trapped in this endless unstructured openness without any idea of how to fill it or be in it. Then after some unmeasurable time of suffering in this state, I noticed that my bladder was full. In recognition of That simple biological sensation, I realized that life itself; at least life existing in a human body, brought with it, at minimum, basic needs of the organism .
That awareness gave me immense relief. Here was a clear message telling me what to do next; get up and urinate. Yes! My body has needs! This was a clear place to start.
I began to trust that life happens and that I don’f have to direct my life, but instead to respond to what I become aware of moment to moment.
I began to understand that my task in being alive was to listen and respond to what arises as it arises, rather than to already know what to expect and be responsible for directing and controlling outcomes. Life is not about knowing, but about learning.
—harmony gates
10/27/20
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