When I ‘other’ myself,
I disconnect from me
I feel totally lost and panicked,
Alarmed, and alone
What do I mean by, ‘othering’ myself?
For me, ‘othering' myself means that my experience of myself, in the moment, is as a kind of object; I’m outside myself looking at myself, and evaluating myself through the eyes of my cultural conditioning. It also occurs in the moments when I am being treated as an object by others.
When I’m experiencing myself as an object in my mind, I look in a mirror to evaluate myself. My eye is seeing my reflection and deciding whether to approve of the image I see or not.
In those self-objectifying moments, (sometimes lasting most, if not all of a lifetime), we are disconnected from our self-adoring, self-mattering, self-attuned, awareness. Instead, we are separated from ourselves, looking at ourselves, seeing ourselves through the image-conscious ego; critical, analytical, concerned with how we appear, and how others may see us. We are concerned with avoiding shame, judgement or rejection.
It’s close to what our culture calls self-consciousness. I think of how I feel when I imagine I’m being 'called out’; when I’m worried about getting in trouble, worried about how I’m appearing to others, or worried about how I appear to those ‘judgmental others’ in my head. (The internalized inner critic.) Performance anxiety fits this precisely. I’ve become so preoccupied with what the audience thinks, that I’ve lost my connection with myself. I’ve become my inner critic. I’ve identified with my image, and it’s my job to control and manage that image, rather than simply allowing my authentic, spontaneous, un-conditioned self to be.
Now, when I’m focused in my heart, I’m NOT concerned with how I’m appearing, or whether I’m being accepted by others. I’m not doubting my essential ‘rightness’. In those moments, when someone calls my name, I feel ‘called in’. I feel seen and invited to connect and receive another’s attention. I feel safe, at ease, natural, spontaneous, confident, present, available, and relational.
When I’m the subject of my heart, I am unaware of any ‘separate’ self, or of ego fears. My mind is not frantically scanning for strategies to stay safe. When I’m the subject of my heart, I exist as my heart-centered self; unconditionally self-loving. I am an open, engaged, flowing, focused, consciousness, simply being. I am in the center of my comfortable self, looking out into the world.
When I am experiencing myself as the subject of my heart, and I look into a mirror, I see my humanity. I connect with myself. A connection that confirms my warm, loving relationship with myself.
When I’m an object in my mind, when I’m objectifying myself, I feel anxious, doubtful, split-minded, confused, scattered, overwhelmed, and any number of other uncomfortable, feelings. I’m overly conscious of myself, split off from myself, lonely, alone, and scared.
“When I’m in my mind, I'm behind enemy lines."
Where do you generally hang out when you are sharing social space with others?
Are you an object in your mind,
or the subject of your heart?
❤️
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