Spacious Waiting, with Confident Expectation

Recently I was at an Ecstatic Dance--something I participate in several times a week. I am really interested in, and attuned to how I connect with others in this dance practice. This includes how I connect with others, how others connect with me, how we connect in small groups, and how we connect together in and as the entire room. I am well practiced and quite skilled at connecting with others through attunement, resonance, and by inviting them to feel safe, seen, and appreciated; essentially in welcoming them to play and explore with me.

Last Sunday I found myself in a dance with a man that I have partnered with a few times before. I'll call him Robert. As I was completing with another dance partner, I turned and found Robert right in front of me.

I made lingering eye contact with him, signaling an openness to connect and dance with him. I could see that he registered this communication, and we began to attune to each other by responding to each other's dance movements, even as we each maintained our own unique style of moving.

In past dances with Robert, I've wanted to feel a strong, confident, grounded energy coming to meet me, especially when we make physical contact. When I don't, I feel disappointment. I feel unmet.

Once again, I was experiencing disappointment in this dance with Robert.

Then, grace and insight filled my awareness. I realized that I usually make a judgement about Robert and his energy at this point, and and make one of three choices:

I try to teach him the skill I believe he is lacking, (correct him)

I take Control of the dance and lead him, offering him what I want to receive, (control him) or

I leave the dance, (abandon him).

In a flash of insight, I realized with shock, that here I was dancing, believing that there was no possibility of support! I actually expected that Robert would not be supportive, and I was managing my energy accordingly. Time expanded for me in that moment, as it does when a shift is in process.

In that spaciousness, I wondered how this dance might be different if instead of expecting an absence of support, I chose instead to expect the experience of support, while also allowing myself to wait until that support actually manifested.

This was an epiphany for me!

So in that moment, instead of teaching, controlling, or abandoning, I experimented with expecting to feel supported. I waited inside the dance, allowing it to progress and unfold. I stayed true to myself, not teaching, not leading, not leaving...just staying present and expectantly waiting.

And sure enough, Robert's dancing became more and more grounded. I felt his energy increasingly reach toward me, physically, emotionally, and energetically. His confident and steady presence met me in a way that felt increasingly grounded, reliable and satisfying to me.

When Robert brought himself forward in that way, I felt met and matched. I could feel a consistent, strong, supportive energy coming from him. I spontaneously surrendered into receiving him. Wow! what a dramatic difference it made to my experience.

I realized in that moment, that I'd lived my whole life (except on the dance floor, where I've been able to cultivate an amazing degree of aliveness,) with the expectation of there being no support. No wonder so much has seemed like such a struggle!

In that moment of insight and awareness, of recognizing and challenging an unconscious belief and pattern, if only from a place of curiosity, something amazing opened up for me. The possibility of a whole new world view. In spite of my past experiences, I had the power to change my outlook and create a new experience!

Spacious waiting, with the confident expectation of receiving what one is wanting, is a crucial ingredient for creating satisfying experiences.

And, as if that was not momentous enough, in that precise moment another deeply held unconscious belief and pattern revealed itself to me.

Just as I was realizing that Robert 's dance had become supportive, he embraced me with the sweetest, most deeply tangible energy of gratitude that I've ever felt coming from another human being. I was completely taken by surprise!

I was instantly in touch with the feeling of disappointment and resentment I experience when I believe my only options are to correct, control, or leave. Believing I can't get what I want and need with this person as h/she is presenting to me, I try to content myself with either moving on to someone else, with over-giving my time, my energy and my skill to bring him (or her) up to speed, or with taking charge and dominating. All three choices leave me feeling disappointed, bitter or resentful.

When Robert embraced me so intensely during our dance, I got it! I'd shown up for him in a way he deeply needed. I'd allowed him to find a part of himself that he longed to feel and express. My supportive waiting allowed him to feel safe and appreciated while he curiously discovered.

In the deep exchange of love given and love received during Robert's hug, I understood that healthy relating is a dynamic, reciprocal process where each of us finds what we need to learn and grow. I am not the teacher, nor you the student, nor are these roles reversed. We both need each other as we co-create a healing field for both of us to expand and grow in our own unique way.

I learned that by expecting support while waiting for it, it's manifestation comes effortlessly, while Robert learned that he could safely learn through open curiosity, without the unnecessary and distracting energy of direction or rejection from another. We served each other.

There was, and is no unbalanced or disproportionate exchange of energy. We serve each other equally and are each just what the other needs.

Photos: in order of appearance: myself with Jewel Love, myself with Scott Davis, FloorPlay Wonderland logo designed by Ingrid Good.